WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
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I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
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I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction