Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
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Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
The Struggle
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.