WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
You Might Also Like
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do