WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
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My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Lassie, get help!
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.