Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
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[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
#Caturday
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus