WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
You Might Also Like
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?