WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
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My teenage children choosing violence
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.