Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
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People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Phonetics
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.