wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
You Might Also Like
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation