Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
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Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*