Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

I’m not wrong

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!