Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
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“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ