Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
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In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!