Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
You Might Also Like
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
The devil.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Best spoiler warning ever
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
#NeverForget
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.