@EndhooS

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

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@JohnLyonTweets

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

@basic_afbitch

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

@iwearaonesie

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

@BacklineNurse

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

@suzieQ0007

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

@mjkspeaks

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

@msdanifernandez

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.