Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
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Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole