Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
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Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Why are bridges so flammable.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.