WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
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I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
🤣🤣
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
can’t catch a break
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*