wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
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A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.