Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
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Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
don’t we all
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
hey, alexa
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.