WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
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Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.