Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
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Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I told my vodka about you.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night