Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
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date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse