Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
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me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?