WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
You Might Also Like
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Hell yeah 👍
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.