wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
You Might Also Like
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Ron is short for Aaronald
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist