WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
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awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*