Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
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You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer