Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
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Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue