Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
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The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.