@iwearaonesie

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

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@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

@jonnysun

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

@samalmightysam

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

@Shade510

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

@blade_funner

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

@hipstermermaid

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

@Brianhopecomedy

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

@RobinMcCauley

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

@ShutUpThatsWho

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY