Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I like long walks away from everyone
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.