wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
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“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Watermelon Boss!
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it