Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
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the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
as is their right
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin