Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
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Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.