Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
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can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know