Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
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Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Hank is one in a melon.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.