WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
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I don鈥檛 personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I鈥檓 in three pyramid schemes.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that鈥檚 not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren鈥檛 getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I鈥檓 going to need an ambulance.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i鈥檓 inside the drug dealer鈥檚 house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
You can鈥檛 tell me what to do, you鈥檙e not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Therapist: And what do we do when we鈥檙e sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Day 137 of telling myself I鈥檒l start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 馃憤.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too l邪zy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.