WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
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“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”