Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
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The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*