Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
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my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
[Driving home from restaurant]
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
She puts the hot in psychotic
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.