Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
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I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]