Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
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Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Jogging
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start