Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
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My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.