wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
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When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs