Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
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NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Dammit Chief not again
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”