Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
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Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!