WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
You Might Also Like
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Potatoes were such a good idea
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken