WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
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Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Who chose this font
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane