Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
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[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
thank god the sign was there
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer