Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.