wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
😍😂🥰😂😍
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Not recommended for beginners.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?