wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
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Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.