wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
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“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
oh you wanna fight?!
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.